


I Feel it Too

by bluebirdwhispers



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-16 06:18:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5817349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebirdwhispers/pseuds/bluebirdwhispers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren stuggles with his new pupil, identity, and purpose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kylo Ren paced and stared at his saber. It was such a small and unassuming thing unactivated. Yet, it and another like it seemed to hold his life and dreams within them. Maybe even his destiny. How could this be? He wrestled with the idea that he could not be the captain of his fate on some days. That there were greater things out there, pulling him this way and that. He struggled against both the dark and light side of the force for that very reason. Where was his agency?

There was only one answer: he had given it up long ago. His father had been right. He knew Snoke would dispose of him one way or another. He was too young, too temperamental, and too much of a threat. He was a wild animal, and there would be no place for him when the First Circle took hold of the galaxy and created a new civilization. Still, he could not pull away. Something pulled him back. On most days he credited this to his strength and loyalty to the First Order. On other days he had to fight the thought that this was some kind of weakness, dragging him back to Snoke. But not just any weakness, a specific kind. It was acceptable to be physically weak, that was something he could push past, but this was a weakness of the spirit and Kylo Ren did not want to admit that he had been broken.

He did not feel like Kylo Ren today. He felt like Ben. Young, quiet, bored Ben Solo.

But it should have been impossible to be bored now. He was in the middle of working with their newest recruit, and she was merciless.

Kylo paced around her hands gripping the lightsaber, waiting for her to strike. He needed her to make the charge. She was slow in combat. Her feet moved clumsily beneath her as she parried and it drained her movements of the strength they should have had. He needed to show her her own weaknesses since she would not listen to him.

Rey stood there, sweating and shaking. Her eyes were narrowed, but her hands hung loosely at her side. "I'm not going to fight you." He knew it was true. He could hear it in her thoughts as well. She dropped the plasma-magnet to the ground. A piece fell off, but that was acceptable. It was simply a practice tool, incapable of cutting flesh, but able to block strikes from a light saber. Of course, if she'd ever bothered to try it she probably could have given him a few good bruises. He felt the anger radiate off of her.

She was unaware of the connection, he was sure, but it was there. He should have never reached into her mind in such a weakened and unsteady state. It had allowed her into his own simultaneously and connections like these could last a very long time. Of course, now he was always on guard around her. Only a trained master of the force would be able to penetrate his thoughts, but Rey had no training. Her more adamant feelings might as well have been said out loud. That's why he wanted to teach her. He could not bear going into battle with someone he felt this connection to again. It had almost cost him his life last time. Her fear and pain had also been his, but it had not gone the other way around, and so she'd beaten him back mercilessly.

And all the while he'd felt her thrill, and pride, and panic. He'd almost forgotten that he was losing.

"Suit yourself," he said quietly and calmly. "I'll be returning you to your cell then."

"Fine," her reply wasn't loaded with its usual malice. Instead, it had seemed to match his own serene tone.

Kylo approached her, "Hands behind your back." She did not obey, Kylo felt that she would not. So he would have to use the force on her, but only after concentrating on severing their connection. To use the force on her while their minds were connected would hurt himself as well. He had thought of that the other day, thankfully, before actually embarrassing himself in front of her. He concentrated on disassociating from her, flicked his hand, and bound her wrists. And just like that, with his concentration gone, so was their mental barrier. He felt her disdain white hot in his mind.

After locking her in her small cell for the night Kylo walked to his room. Typically, he would head to the commander's dining room, but he was unable to find his appetite. Rey had been fasting for days, and the sensation had been nauseating. Tonight she'd have a force feeding, courtesy of himself. Anybody else and she would simply command them stop. He sighed and removed his glove before placing his palm to the key pad of his room.

She was a pain, yes, but he was the one that had asked to train her. Snoke, thankfully, had listened to reason. If Kylo could convert her in a reasonable amount of time then they could keep her on as his second. What harm could there be in having two skilled fighters at his beck and call? And the other knights, surely didn't count. Often they were no better than a group of hired smugglers. But truthfully he was still afraid. If Rey did not see reason then she would be executed, and he would feel everything...but he was most afraid of the nothing that would follow. Rey's presence in his mind, though a nuisance, was also a comfort. He understood someone so completely now that it was impossible to not care for her. It had been so long since that had happened.

Many times during their "lessons" (though she hadn't truly allowed him to begin teaching her) he had told her how he felt. He saw the potential in her, and was the only one capable of nurturing it. Didn't she see that? Couldn't she understand that he wanted her to learn so badly that he was putting his own life at risk? Her apathy and doubt frustrated him. He'd screamed that she should believe him, that she HAD to believe him. Her life was on the line! She would react just as angrily and their "lesson" would end with her in her cell. Just as it had tonight...He was getting nowhere.

If only she felt was he was feeling. He felt everything that passed through her mind. A sort of resonance came from her, and even moving away from her only quieted it marginally. Complete thoughts only filtered through when she felt something strongly and they were standing close. Otherwise, he was merely conscious of her emotions and intentions. This was something he would have to use the force to do with anyone else, but since that day in the holding cell it had been impossible to turn it off, he could only mute it.

But she was untrained. She'd probably never sensed somebody's fear or rage without seeing them. She'd never forced her way into a mind. (Kylo constantly reminded himself that she had been let in by his carelessness.) So she probably never felt anything from him except what he showed her.

Somewhere he could feel her loneliness. It ebbed like an ocean's tide, perhaps she was thinking of her ocean. Her island. A beautiful, green place. Just as lonely as she was now.

Kylo laid down without shedding his cloak and suit. It would be another sleepless night for him then. She ached and so he did too. It was inevitable. He wanted her to find solace in him, her teacher, but she would not. She was too stubborn. She would only hate him and continue to hurt.

The more he thought about it, the more tortuous it became. Would he ever sleep again? He was unsure, and his instability prompted him to stand and put his helmet back on. They were going to talk, dammit. But this time he was going to use a slightly different tactic.


	2. I Feel it Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A connection is realized.

He would not get angry, he thought to himself. He would not lash out. He would have patience. This would take patience. This would take a gentle touch. He had tried the gentler tactic first, but maybe he hadn't tried it long enough. He paused at her door, before placing his hand to the key. Hopefully she would come to understand.

The door whooshed open to reveal her looking out her window. Starlight shone down on her face, and even though he could feel her tense up of him releasing the scanner pad her face remained the same. He saw even this as promise of potential, but how could he let her know that this was genuine? He worried for her and her fate if they could not work together. In fact, he worried for the fate of the galaxy. Kylo stepped into the room, allowing the door to be shut.

"Rey, I-"

She turned on him, and the anger hit him like an AT-AT. "What are you doing here? I have the nights to myself. You promised me that."

Kylo had to choke back his own anger, something he had hardly ever done before. It was difficult, anger was what gave him his power, and when she acted like this towards him it only made it worse. He stayed quiet for a few seconds rather than letting himself erupt. Patience, a gentle touch. "I wanted to talk to you. Just talk. Not another lesson."

He had confused her. Confusion was better than anger, though, so he forged ahead. "I'm worried about you. You haven't eaten really..."

Rey's green eyes narrowed."How did you know that? I took out the cameras days ago."

And so she had. In a tantrum to rival one of his own all four cameras had been smashed, her small table had lost a leg, and the chair...well, the pieces of it had since been removed. But it was true. Rey had sent empty trays back to kitchen. Kylo only knew because he had felt the hunger gnawing at her, and had observed how faint she'd been feeling.

He clasped his hands behind his back and began to walk further into the room. He realized with suppressed panic that he'd left his weapon back in his own quarters. No matter, if things went according to plan it would not be needed. He began to cross to the other side of the bed where she stood and stopped suddenly. He could feel her nerves spike, and so he slowly bent over the bed and pulled the mattress corner up. There sat a pile of crumbs from one of her portions.

He pinched a few into his gloved hands and stood up again, "Ah. Now I see." He had to smile. It seemed like something he would have done in his childhood.

"You didn't answer my question," she reminded him. Her voice was surprisingly gentle. Progress.

He looked at her, trying to soften his own expression. "Yes. I sensed it. A residual effect from when we read each others' minds." And then a strange feeling washed over him. Discovery, realization, call it what you will but she was putting something together.

Rey actually approached him. Something she had not done since their fight in the snow. "So...you feel it too, then. I mean, that's you in there. I mean, I thought it was only one way."

Kylo had too, in fact but there was no point in telling her that now. Wasn't he the teacher still? He should have known that she was feeling things too. Still, he did not want to lie to her when so much positive progress was being made. Instead he said nothing.

"I thought I was going crazy," half of a laugh erupted from her. He felt the relief spread down his limbs like water. She looked over her shoulder out the window for a few moments breathing in the serenity. He basked in it as well, a sort of peace he had not felt in many, many years. Then she looked at him again, "If that's true then, you, Kylo Ren, are much more complicated than I thought."

He balked at how smug she was. Not anger or fear or relief or even loneliness, these were her typical rotation of feelings, but something just as strong. Her smile was growing, he took a few breaths to stay calm. He knew then that she'd felt all of his doubt and insecurity over the past few days. He could no longer be this unflappable enigma of a teacher. Instead he was...

She finished his thought though he wasn't sure it was on purpose, her smile as wide as it could be without showing her teeth, "You're human."

She was right, but he didn't like it. He had donned the mask and suit long ago so that he could be something above human. He wanted to be a dark mystery that people ran from, and here was this girl who could ruin everything that he had worked for and he felt...Nothing. He wasn't angry. He'd expected to feel angry, betrayed even.

It occurred to him that perhaps her own demeanor was somehow affecting his own. She was happy enough that his normal bout of rage could not kick in. Her rush of adrenaline and endorphins was clouding his normal reaction. It felt strange. Did he even truly want to fly off the handle? Then again, it was possible that it wasn't her emotions at all. Perhaps he was feeling this relief, this rush. Rey's discovery had made him feel vulnerable, and typically he would have lashed out but not today. Usually, he would compensate by releasing his power thus reminding himself that he still had it. He was still in control. Kylo Ren could not afford to not be in control. But Rey's sudden insight into his psyche did not feel like a ploy for power.

The girl was concentrating on him now. Hard. He didn't like the way her laser sharp eyes were burning into him. He guessed that she was trying to regain access to his thoughts, but she did not have the training to actually break through without a pre-established link. Kylo Ren smirked, reassured by this proof of his own strength. And he hadn't had to break anything to feel like this either.

"It's not such an easy thing," he said softly. Her eyes widened and he knew that his guess had been right. She had been trying to force her way into his thoughts. "Now do you see why I wanted to train you?"

Rey let her concentration go then. She was silent for a few seconds. A few beads of sweat dripped down her cheek. "Yes and no. So there is potential in me." It was a statement, but she said it as if she were expecting an answer.

"Yes."

"But if I have so much potential, when I finally have training aren't you worried-" she trailed off, unwilling to actually finish the sentence. Her eyes searched the steel floor at her feet.

Kylo Ren gave her a few moments in case she changed her mind and decided to finish her sentence.

She did not, so he spoke. "I am, but the potential in you," he reached his right hand out towards her face. He did not touch her, he sensed she would not allow it, but he traced the shape of her jaw in the air, "Is worth it. I have the force, and the power in you calls out to the power in me. That is the way of things. It begs me to develop it and bring it forth. I cannot ignore it."

She looked shocked. She could sense his determination, his honestly. She was finally understanding his pull towards her.

"I am dark, Rey, but I am not evil. You need me, and not just as a teacher. The only way to win this war is for you and I, dark side and light side, to fight together."

"I will never work for Snoke. He's murdered billions of-"

Kylo cut her off with a meaningful glance. "I said we must work together. It doesn't matter who we work for."

Rey's mouth formed a perfect circle, "Oh," she breathed the word. "But how?" Her voice was low and her eyes shifted as if they could be seen or overhead. He could also sense that she wanted to ask another question, maybe a stream of questions, but was refraining lest he change his mind.

This was the part Kylo had not figured out yet. It had not been part of his plan. Snoke discharging that weapon so soon had not occurred to him. Now it was evident to even him that he had to get out. Yes, he had to give himself to the dark side, but he had avoided reality in order to keep that commitment. He had been able to sit in the ship while the Storm Troopers did most of the dirty work on various planets. He'd been able to send resistance fighters to jail after some minor probing for information. Few had died, and most had only died when he'd lost control of himself. The exceptions to this were rare...like his father. That had been necessary. He had to remind himself of how necessary it had been.

But back to the matter at hand... He could not stay here if he wished to remain with the dark side of the force. He could no longer ally himself with Snoke. What Snoke had done could fuel the dark side within him for millenea. He had only to think of the flash of those poor planets as they had disappeared to access his fear and his rage, but also brought out emotions like compassion and sorrow...he could not hold onto the dark side if he had to confront those feelings much more. He had to go. Soon.

The root of the problem was that it had brought out a rage that was against his master. He could not fight for his master, fueled by anger created by him. The idea made his head spin. Snoke had been neglecting him for months before the use of the Star Killer, though. Their lessons had ceased, and his infrequent face-to-face meetings with the supreme leader had more often than not ended with him being "tested", Snoke's word for torture. Why did he have to be loyal to anyone? Wouldn't it be better to have a following for himself? Even if it was just one person.

Still, how would he be allowed to leave with Rey in tow? He could not think of a way out, and they were on their way to Snoke even as he floundered around looking for a plan. He sat on the bed heavily and ran a hand through his thick hair.

"I have no idea, but we should begin your training. At least that will ensure that Snoke will want you alive." Rey balked a bit. Apparently she hadn't been paying attention when he'd said that her life was at stake. The girl was stupidly stubborn. "Also, it'll be easier to fight our way out if you know what you're doing." She took another step back. Kylo met her eyes, trying to appear calm, trying to feel serene so that serenity could wash over her as well. "If it comes to that."


	3. I Feel it Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A confession is made.

So this was why the light had called him then. That unmistakable tug at his very core. It pulled at his insides painfully as if trying to turn him inside out. Actually, that was exactly what it was trying to do. He had to remember, though, even if he was going to rebel base he would have to stay dark. All of his work, this half a life spent as a double agent, it was all so that he could fight evil using the dark side of the force.

She was sitting on her bed, looking out at the moon they were passing by. Probably Ampheos, he though. It didn't matter. He stood in the doorway for a few moments, his hand still on the pad, unwilling to let the doors close behind him just yet.

Rey turned. He knew that she'd sensed him. "You're back so soon."

His eyes narrowed. The door was not shut. If someone had been in the hall they would have heard her. Heard the newly acquired familiar tone in her voice. He stepped fully into the room and let the doors finally close. "You have to be more careful about how you act around me."

He had annoyed her. She wasn't stupid. She'd just acted compulsively. Their trust had grown exponentially since the night he'd come to her room. Knowing exactly what he was feeling probably had something to do with it, but he also liked to think that she was starting to notice all of the little things he did for her. He defended her right to be trained, he brought her food, he listened to her talk about the deserter and the little droid. The only subject she uncomfortably avoided was his father, and he couldn't discern how he felt about this which probably meant that they needed to talk about it.

His father had taught him that. "If you don't want to talk about it, it probably makes you uncomfortable," Han would say, usually after a fight with his mother, "But if you're close to that person, and if you want to remain that way, you need to suck it up and do it anyways."

Kylo opened the keypad on her side of the door, activated the shadow screen on her door, and used his override code to lock it in place so that it's timer would not run out. The screen was typically used by prisoners so that they could change in peace without having to worry about a guard checking in on them through the tinted window at an awkward time. However, Kylo knew that their body language would betray their new found trust if a guard happened to stop by while he was there, and thought it best to err on the side of caution.

He crossed the room and offered a tray out to her with a serving of rations. High ranking officers had been offered unjona fruits as well tonight, and Kylo had swiped a second while the trooper's back had been turned. He hoped that Hux would be the one to have to go without. Rey picked up the purple fruit and examined it's long, needle-like stem.

"What is this?" she almost sounded disgusted.

Ren sat down on the bed next to her and held out his hand to take it back. She placed it gently in his gloved palm. "It's called unjona. It comes from a remote moon called Endor." He began to pull back its spongy peel, revealing its pink flesh. "It's a little sour, but it's very good." Rey still looked confused, which confused him in turn. "It's just fruit. There's no pit."

"I've never eaten fruit before," she said coldly. "I've only had rations like the ones I worked for back on Jakku."

He handed the peeled fruit back to her. "You worked for food? How did you afford to buy anything? How did you pay for a home?"

Rey poked at the fruit in her palm, and a bit of juice pooled under her fingertip. "I didn't buy anything," she said nonchalantly, "I lived in an abandoned AT-AT outside of my town. There weren't many people on Jakku that actually paid you with, you know, money."

What she was saying didn't surprise Kylo. He knew people lived this way. He'd trained with them, visited with them, and even killed them. What surprised him was how many ways he and this particular person were turning out to be complete opposites in. His childhood had been hard, but he had never lacked for comfort. His father, mother, and uncle had ensured that he was educated and well traveled. He remembered frequent trips, most of them past the same bit of empty space. After he had complained one time too many his father had pulled him roughly aside and told him what Alderaan was, and what it had meant to his mother. That his mother had also known pain, more pain than he could have imagined at that age, in fact, came as a surprise to him. He had never seen her the same way.

He felt the same about Rey. He was beginning to learn more and more about her. She was no long a 2-D image on a holoplane. She was a living, breathing, feeling person. She was gentle with him, but she had never lowered her expectations for him. She often showed him how tough she was in the training room, but he could feel the sadness in her, the worry. Rey was so many things, and that constantly amazed him. She was so many things, and he was none. He truly was a flat plane with no dimensions. Snoke had made him that.

"You're hurting," Rey said softly. Her hand moved towards him for a second, but jerked back when she changed her mind. She still would not touch him unless she had to. "What is it?"

There was no "it", really. There was a lot of things, so he choose one, knowing he couldn't get away with a terse, "Nothing." There was no point in lying to her. She would know, and he needed her trust. "I was thinking about Han Solo." He could not read her face or quite understand all of the emotions flooding through her system. There was sorrow and empathy, but there was also anger. "You loved him too," he said realizing the truth even as he spoke it. She pushed back in his mind, trying to force him out. The bond could not be severed, though. He squinted his eyes, as if he could actually see inside her mind, "What was he to you?

"'Too?'" she choked out, ignoring his question. Disdain, panic, horror. They all clouded his mind for a painful moment. Well, here was that conversation he'd been hoping for. "How could you say you loved him? You killed him!"

"Rey," he put a finger to his lips and shushed her, "You have to stay quiet they'll-"

"Let them hear!" she stood up and backed up until she touched the wall. Thankfully, her voice still wasn't even nearing a shout.

Kylo stood up too, and immediately regretted it. He towered over her, that would scare some, but it did not intimidate her. It only made her angrier, and he was suddenly very aware of the scar on his right cheek. The very same place his father had touched him before-

"I can explain," he offered weakly.

Rey scoffed, her features harsh in the glow of the moon. "You can try!"

He sighed, "Yes, I can try, but you must let me."

Rey's eyes locked onto his own, her anger flashed hot and renewed in his mind. "I don't have to do anything." Something inside of her cooled, though, her expression softened, "But I will choose to. I can feel the pain inside of you. It's real, but..."

"But then why did I do it?" He sat back down on the bed and put his face in his hands. Taking a deep breath he began, "Months before Jakku I felt the light calling to me. I asked my grandfather for help, hoping since he was once a Jedi that perhaps his force ghost could guide me. He was dark, he knew how it was to push yourself into the darkness..." Kylo thought of the warped mask back in his room. It seemed to have lost its power. It had only failed him in his time since recovering it. "But he did not answer me."

Rey was silent for a time before speaking. "Ben." He did not correct her on his name. "Is Darth Vader your grandfather?"

He looked up at her, this young Jedi to be. She knew so little. The history of the Jedi, of the Skywalkers in particular, was a complicated one. Anakin Skywalker was a complicated man, but both good and evil. But Rey dealt in blacks and whites, because she did not know the intricacies of the force. How could he explain that the fear in her eyes was unwarranted? That he was not speaking about the dark villain from the bedtime stories. How could he explain that his grandfather had also been a young boy named Anakin, who had loved and fought and lost? She had felt his desire to follow Darth Vader, but she had not felt his loyalty to the man that had come before the mask. Too few people knew of that man.

"Oh," she said. Apparently feeling the turmoil inside of him had been enough of an answer for her. Indeed, it at least showed her that the situation at hand was more than complicated. "So Luke is your-?"

Kylo shook his head.

Rey's eyes widened. "Leia is your-?"

Kylo nodded. "And Han was my father," Rey waited for him to go on, but the thought of doing so actually made him nervous."I can't tell you everything," he unfolded his fists in a sign of helplessness. Rey looked incredulous. "I can tell you that from his sacrifice I was told many things that led to my decision on the bridge. I was told that I was too angry to ever be a light Jedi. I was told that Snoke would lead me to lead this galaxy into greatness. I was told that my family's deaths would show me the corners of the dark side that only Sith Lord's themselves know of. I was told a lot of things, Rey."

Rey shifted her weight to her other leg and folded her arms. She was thinking. Seriously, but he felt no doubt in her and that was a good enough sign for him. Apparently, she understood that he understood the futility in trying to lie to her too. Finally, she squared her shoulders and made eye contact again. "You were told a lot of lies." She clasped her hands behind her back and inclined her head back until it touched the view port, "And I don't sense any malice or ill intent towards me...or even the rebels-"

"There is none," he said almost too quickly.

Rey gave him a look, "But I can't say that I buy that this was one big misunderstanding."

Despite her narrowed eyes and pursed lips, she was not angry. He knew that, and that knowledge emboldened him. "It wasn't. I made choices, bad choices...But I was a child when I set off down this path, and I was not guided there on my own. I want to correct things."

"Okay," her tone was casual as if he'd remarked that he wanted to go to sleep or take a walk.

Kylo nodded and Rey sat back down next to him and began to eat. He followed suit, but the food had no flavor. He was certain she could feel all of the emotions still coursing through him, but she chose not to comment even so.

As they walked to Room TR-17 to begin the day's training Kylo was still unable to stop thinking about his father. He was certain he would think of him until he, himself, died. Han had wanted him to come home, and stupid son (if he could still call himself) that he was, he had interpreted that as yet another call from the light that he had to resist. Perhaps, he had been right, but maybe, and he could not quiet this thought, he had been wrong. He had come to think that it did not matter which side he fought for. He would never obtain what he wanted, because neither side was fighting a fight for the individual. And besides, what did he want?

Besides Han Solo.


	4. I Feel it Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A murder is planned.

He didn't see Han Solo's face in his dreams. In fact, he hadn't even seen Han Solo's face when it had happened. So much adrenaline and sorrow was pumping through his veins in that moment that what he saw were simply blurs of light and motion. The world had faded away. It was a horrifying thought, but killing Solo had been like going to sleep. What he dreamed of instead was the man's hot breath and the sensation of his saber pushing swiftly through the flesh and ribs and out through the spine. He'd smelled the blood and roasted tissue, and then he'd cast the man that had once been his father down into the oscillator's pit. He hadn't even watched him fall.

He felt as if he was possessed most nights. He felt like Ben Solo was some ghost who inhabited his body with increasing frequency. The echoes of Ben's feelings bounced around inside of him with no release, but it was true what he had said on the bridge. Ben Solo was dead, he was here but he no longer drew breath. Kylo Ren had killed him. And maybe Kylo Ren was also near death. He felt that the knight from Jakku had also basically perished in the chaos of the past three weeks. He was not entirely dead, but his breaths were numbered. So who was he going to be when the knight disappeared from this world? He swung back and forth between the boy and man, unable to find a middle ground that felt totally correct. Finding something outside of both identities was such an extreme that it seemed impossible.

He was still being torn apart. He was not sure that it would ever stop. A long time ago Snoke had comforted him with the idea that this feeling would cease if only he could destroy and forget his past life. Snoke had envisioned something great for him. He was to be Kylo Ren: The Conqueror of the Galaxy, but he had never been that man either. He had simply taken his name. It was time for him to come to terms with all of the lies he had been told by Snoke as well as the ones he had told himself. Killing Han Solo had brought him nothing but grief. Where was the peace he had been promised? Where was Kylo Ren in all of his fully realized glory?

Kylo laid on top of his sheets trying to quiet the sensation that he was about to murder another self. Kylo Ren would still be alive, beating his fists on old wounds as long as he stayed on this ship. He might never die if they made it back to Snoke. His master was powerful, he was not sure that he was strong enough to resist him face to face. But he could not think of that. They would make it out. His pent up anxiety was agitating Rey, a person unused to dwelling on problems. She simply attacked. A strength and a weakness. She was losing sleep because of him, and while he, with all of his training, could go for days with very little rest, she was not yet so fortunate.

He could feel her ache for sleep. Almost hear her scream at him to be quiet. He tried, but as their training progressed and a plan had begun to form, the knight was all too aware that he would need to know who he was. He had to figure it out so that he could present it to the rebels who, like it or not, would be his new allies. And they needed to leave soon.

With every day spent under the Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren felt less and less passionate about the cause. He had come to realize that Snoke had pushed that light saber through Han Solo just as much, if not more than, he had. Snoke had whispered to him from the cradle that he should not be content. Snoke was the one who had pointed out every reason he should have been miserable. Snoke had sent to murder countless innocents. Snoke had led him to believe that finding and destroying his old master would be to destroy the last imbalance in the galaxy. The fire that had made him fight for Snoke was fading quickly.

He had murdered his father only to discover that he didn't know what this price paid for. The path that Snoke had laid out before him was murky, but the end was clear. His father had told him so many truths on the bridge, and this was no exception. Snoke would dispose of him when Kylo Ren had disposed of all of his remaining family. When there was nothing left for him to pay and when he finally realized that the price had been too steep all along the Supreme Leader would kill him. What Snoke hadn't accounted for was Kylo Ren realizing he could not pay the price after he'd barely begun. There was still a chance to save what was left of his family. Neither Luke nor Snoke would be correct in mapping his destiny. He was taking the responsibility and the initiative of creating his own. If such a thing could be done.

That thought satisfied Ren. He allowed himself a small smile. It would be difficult, but it was possible. He simply needed to get out of here first. He needed to get Rey out of here. The reality of their escape would be intense and stressful, but the idea of it calmed him. His eyes closed, his consciousness faded. Somewhere in the distance Rey sighed in relief.

Kylo Ren felt himself walking onto the bridge, dropping his helmet...but he could not wake himself before it happened. He lived it again to completion, his father gasped in his ear, and then he awoke. His sheets were cold with sweat and his knuckles dug into his bed's steel frame. Rey was panicked too. He could feel the tightness in her chest as she struggled to breathe. At this hour it was likely that she had also been asleep, so the dream had startled them both.

Without thinking he was out of bed, pulling on his boots and gloves. Everything was rushed except for when he pulled his shirt back on. The wound from the bowcaster was still sore. He had been granted the finest medical attention of course, but there was little they could do for the burn that was left after his treatment. That would take time. After putting his helmet on he was out the door. Kylo Ren always walked quickly, but tonight he walked faster until the panic from Rey was almost hot inside his chest.

A storm trooper stood a few feet away from her door, probably slacking off during rounds, and Ren snapped at her to continue patrolling. She saluted lazily, and he could almost see her eyes roll. He waited until she'd turned out of the hall before entering Rey's room.

Rey's anxiety dissipated slightly when he entered, though she hadn't even looked up to see him. He was not yet used to the sensation of having her trust him, but it felt gratifying. He was not allowed to bask in the gratification though, the girl was hyperventilating. She'd swung her feet onto the floor and her toes were white from the cold. He removed his helmet and knelt before her at the side of her bed.

"Take a deep breath."

Rey's wide green eyes were watery with desperation. She clutched her chest and wheezed. He could feel her will to calm herself, but she was unable to do so. He could only assume that his nightmare had brushed against her subconscious, but since their foce bond was undeveloped it was unlikely that she had had the same dream. Maker only knew what dark thing her mind had created to give body to the fear and desperation he had felt.

He looked down to her trembling knees and put his hands gently on them to steady her. "If you cannot calm yourself, will you let me?" She gave a shaky nod, and he waved his right hand quickly by her head. He thought of an island in a sea of blue, pushed the thought into her own mind, and she was asleep before he caught her head in his arms and lowered her down to her pillow.

Slowly he hoisted her legs into bed. Her legs and feet were bare, but still warm. She had only just woken up, after all. Her legs were heavy with muscle, despite her size. He had felt her run in her dreams before, sand whipping behind her. He had assumed that her dreams had exaggerated her speed, but perhaps not. He knew so little about her, yet she was all he had in the galaxy. It seemed unfair to call her a friend, neither had said the word aloud, but she could have pushed him away after discovering the bond. Instead, she'd done the opposite.

He tucked her in, crossed to other side of the bed, and sat next to her over the blanket. He would not keep her asleep as he had when he had first captured her, the day they'd first met. He had left her unconscious for hours, pacing around her unable to work up the courage to release her into consciousness. But he needed to stay. Hopefully, when she awoke he would be able to explain why she'd awoken so violently.

She did not wake after a few seconds, and not even after an hour, as he had assumed she would. She'd found reprieve from her sleepless nights and he would not take that away from her. After nodding off a few times he had stood and paced the room. His back hurt from falling asleep while sitting up and he longed to return to his own bed, but he also didn't want to leave her alone. Especially if he had another dream. So he paced and yawned, and eventually sat with his back against her window. When he fell asleep he knew what would happen, but the exhaustion pulled him and he couldn't help but...

And he was awake again. Kylo had barely closed his eyes when Rey's own sudden awakening startled him so badly that he nearly jumped up. The desperate look was back in her eyes and she panted while looking wildly around the room for a few moments. He didn't move. He couldn't until she finally began to slow her breathing and sat up in bed.

"What happened?" his voice was high and his throat was tight.

Rey put a hand to her head as if feeling for fever. "I don't know. I had a dream. A bad dream."

Kylo crossed the room and sat down next to her again. He reached for her shoulder and she did not flinch. He put his arm around her and she did not pull away. Something close to relief flooded through her, but the sadness the radiated from her was almost palpable. She was thinking about her dream. He wondered briefly if she had had his dream, but that was impossible. Rey had been far away when it had happened. She might have dreamed of Han Solo's death, but surely it would have been from her own perspective. Surely...unless this bond was stronger than he thought. There was a sharp pang in his chest.

"Have you forgiven me?" He knew he didn't have to ask, he could reach into her mind just as easily, perhaps even easier. He owed her this, though. He could not only take responsibility for his future, he had to be accountable for his past. At least with her. They had talked very little about Han Solo since he had first brought the subject up a week ago, but he knew that she knew what he was talking about.

After a time she spoke. "I haven't." His chest tightened. "But I don't think that you did it. So... really I haven't forgiven the man that killed Han Solo," she turned out of his arm so that she could look at him, "I mean, I don't think that man was-is you. I've felt you...at night...reliving that pain. You regret what happened. You miss him. The man that walked out on that bridge to meet Han Solo," she tried to take a breath but she could not control the shaking in her chest. The tears began to fall. "The man that killed my friend was not you." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and hugged him. "That man was not you. He is not my friend. I don't know that man, but I know you. That man would not have gone to such great lengths to try and save me and escape from this place. He would not let me in his head."

She was right. At least he wanted her to be. The hesitation he'd felt about killing Kylo Ren was gone, he wanted him dead and buried. Her thoughts so neatly echoed his own from before that he wondered if she had actually heard him. Perhaps, feeling his emotions was enough to discern his dilemma, but it was doubtful. They shared a connection, but they could not see into the other's core. The layers they pulled back from one another were numerous, numerous enough that she could trust him despite all he had done, but she could not see his motives or his desires. Rey had to skirt around them, viewing them from every angle and facet except directly. She knew he held no ill intent towards her or her friends, but she could not see his actual intentions. Perhaps, she saw too much good in him because of this.

He did not want to think she was wrong. And besides, another thing she'd said stood out to him. She had called him her friend.

He embraced her again.


	5. I Feel it Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pride is wounded. Plans are made.

Hux was chuckling behind him, that horrible, pompous chuckle of his. Damn that laugh. Damn the man. The sound was awful and too childish for a man of his station. Kylo Ren wanted to put a hand over his mouth to shut him up. He talked too much. Hux inhaled suddenly and sharply, "Don't make me laugh, Kylo Ren." Don't make him laugh. What a stupid thing to say. He was obviously enjoying this, and Kylo Ren would have preferred that he didn't laugh at all. Hux had always treated him as a child, though he'd proven time and time again that he was anything but.

"As for you General Hux," Kylo appreciated the admonishing tone in Snoke's voice but his gratitude was short lived, "How long until you arrive at our base?"

Snoke almost definitely wouldn't have asked the question if they weren't close. He and Rey needed to move faster. Progress was being made towards escaping, but he still needed to get her into the pod dock so that they could disconnect one of the ships ahead of time. Since Rey's storm trooper friend's escape the pod locks had been reinforced and could not be released without an override code from the bay control. Kylo Ren had been lurking around the control room a lot recently trying to find a way around the code. There was none, and he couldn't simply order that a pod be unlocked either. Only Hux had authority over the pods so they'd need to rely on Rey's technical expertise to bypass the locking mechanism.

The general had been doing mental calculation. Their route had been less direct that Snoke had hoped, and that was complicating the math for Hux. After the destruction of the base, multiple planets had experienced uprisings because of the First Order's casual display of power. They'd already stopped twice to dispatch troops before the new protesters could reach out to the Resistance, and now Seswenna and Geonosis were both rioting as well. "After we stop at Seswenna? Or before?"

The giant's gray face remained blank, but Kylo Ren could feel the distaste radiating off of him. He allowed himself a smirk. It served him right. Hux could have answered either way, but he was an overthinker and despite his best intentions could not keep that to himself, so he had given the Supreme Leader no answer at all. Snoke's eyes narrowed as he waited.

"Right," Hux never stammered, but he was definitely felt nervous now, "If all goes well we will be on our way to you in ten days or so."

Or so...Snoke dealt in the exact, not in the approximate. Kylo Ren bit back a snort. The Supreme Leader turned his focus to the knight.

"Kylo Ren," he swung his helmeted head up to meet Snoke's gaze once more, "I am sending two of your knights to Geonosis. They will meet you there, and aid in quieting these riots. Hux will continue to Seswenna with the remaining storm troopers, and return to retrieve you."

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

The giant waved his hand even as the hologram faded, "You are both dismissed."

They answered in unison with one another, "Yes, Supreme Leader."

Hux began to walk out of the room, but it was not his usual impressive and determined stride. He looked dejected...hopeless. Despite every logical bone in his body's loud protests, Kylo knew he had to reach out to him. It was an annoying compulsion, but the two had operated together for so long that they could not simply ignore each other. For better or for worse.

He caught the general just as he was about to leave the massive projection room. The ship's was obviously much smaller than Star Killer's, but its lighting was just as eerie. Hux's pale face glowed a ghastly blue when he turned to face Kylo Ren who had instinctively put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. The light was so dim that Hux's normaly piercing eyes were almost lost. Almost. He did not look pleased.

Kylo quickly removed his helmet and cleared his throat. He wanted Hux to know he was being sincere. "Do you not agree with the Supreme Leader's plan?"

Hux turned and sniffed sniffed before brushing the heavy, gloved hand away. "I absolutely agree with it. As long as you and those barbaric knights perform the task that's been given to you, everything should be fine."

Kylo Ren chose not to take offense to the jab directed at his order, but he felt the need to press. After all, this might be one of the last times he and has colleague ever talked...once again, for better or for worse. "Then what is wrong?"

He rolled his eyes in an impressive, albeit over-dramatic, gesture of his impatience. Honestly, for all of the "teenager angst" jabs Hux threw at him he could be just as over the top. "You honestly don't know." Kylo Ren said nothing, did nothing. "For maker's sake...We failed! He's obviously got some sort of punishment in store for us back at base. Failure does not go unpunished by the Supreme Leader."

The knight furrowed his brow. Could that be true?

He was certainly Snoke's favorite of the two commanders, and with the capture of Rey and her supposed conversion he had some real victories to his name too. At least more than Hux did. Star Killer's success had been his responsibility, and the general had tried but he had failed. But Kylo Ren had become distracted, which could be seen as even worse. He had not caught his father and Chewbacca before they had set the explosives. He hadn't kept Rey captive in the first place, so he'd spent his time scrambling after them. He had been injured gravely twice...And then the more frightening realization set in. Hux surely didn't know, but it was entirely possible that Snoke could sense his intent to betray him. Snoke was very in touch with the force, it wasn't entirely impossible. But no...that could not be. What reason would he have to suspect anything?

The general sneered, "Nothing to say to that? Snoke's little pet's first big fuck up." That stung, but could not let Hux know that the blow had landed. "Not so perfect are you now, little Ben?"

Kylo Ren snapped. "I have something to show for my efforts at the base. You? You have nothing." He drew out the last word. The anger pushed him to speak rapidly. He wouldn't. The anger pushed him to shout. He would not. He was in control, and he knew Hux hated the way he over-enunciated words with hard syllables. Once upon a time, the general had complimented him on it as a subtle intimidation technique, so different from his own. Things were different now. "Your project is gone," Kylo continued, "Space dust, and the one time we did use it it only caused more problems for us."

Hux said nothing for a moment. He bit his lip, and his blue eyes searched the faint light above him as if expecting support from the skies. Kylo knew he'd gone too far then, but something inside of him urged him to dig deeper, to lunge for the kill. Hux was not weak, but in certain ways he could be very delicate and Kylo Ren knew how to push his buttons. He should stop, but he couldn't. He felt no more human than an Anooba on the hunt, and his prey was on its last leg.

"So you say 'we' failed. But that's not true, is it? 'We' didn't do anything. There is no 'we' anymore, you said that. I have something to show the Supreme Leader, a padawan squire of my very own, the death of m-" he caught himself before he said his father, hoping his stutter would go unnoticed, "-Han Solo."

Hux almost turned around. Kylo Ren could see the slight swivel of his shoulders, but the man changed his mind and stood his ground instead. A new thing for the general. "A padawan squire? I don't need to be a Jedi or a Knight of Ren to know that's nonsense, an oxymoron. She cannot be both. YOU cannot be both." It was a weak rebuttal, the term was suited for Rey no matter what Hux said because she wouldn't be one or the other. He was on terrain that he had little knowledge of, and his argument had suffered for it, a strategist such as him should have known better, but Hux was preparing for another strike. "And what's more, do you think Supreme Leader Snoke will be grateful for this new pet? You're dragging her across the galaxy like some child with a Loth Cat, begging mummy to keep the damned thing. She's feral, and you're as idiotic as ever."

The remarks only served to make his anger swell. His fists clenched, and unclenched. Of course, he would never use the force or a weapon on Hux. Still, the urge to strike him was strong. How had he ever tolerated this pathetic, short-sighted man before? He could not fathom it.

A smirk spread across Hux's face, he must have sensed Ren's anger and taken it as a victory. "She has claws, Ren. She's just waiting to strike. Only a complete dunce wouldn't see that." And with that the general slammed his palm on the activation pad, opening the door. He paused before stepping into the hallway, and looked casually over his shoulder, "Oh, and put that blasted helmet back on. You actually need it now."

The light from the ship's hall blinded him momentarily and then he was left in the darkness once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor babies. I love them both so much too bad they can't be trusted to play nice. Sorry there was no Rey in this chapter, buuuuuuuut not really. I love Hux and Kylo's interactions so this was fun/heartbreaking to write.
> 
> ANYWAYS, I made myself a tumblr so follow me if you like! It's bluebirdstories.


	6. I Feel it Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visions occur.

He didn't like to consider himself a vain man, but perhaps he was. Perhaps he had to be to have made so many of the decisions that lay behind him. If the Light side of the force was all about selflessness the Dark had to require him to be a little selfish. That was logical. He fed off of his own passion and desire, and perhaps vanity was a part of that equation too. Or maybe he was just vain.

He had had a nice face, he'd always been told that growing up. His father's brow and nose, his mother's mouth and eyes. But nobody had told him that in a long time. Nobody, save a few, even saw his face anymore. Hux had once, begrudgingly, called him handsome, but it was not the same. It had been more of an admission than a compliment. He had worn a mask for so long that even he hardly considered what he looked like anymore, and with Rey...Well, Rey was different, wasn't she? She was the one who had given him the scar in the first place, and that wild swing had thrown her so far off balance that he'd manage to re-capture her. He'd only considered the scar as a sort of penance to be paid for bringing her aboard. Her freedom in exchange for a few hours in the medical bay. He wasn't sure how Rey felt about his face and he hadn't cared, because he didn't think about his face. He hardly even looked at himself in the mirror. Until Hux had brought it up. Now he couldn't take his eyes off of his own face.

Hux had had always done this. Picked at insecurities that Kylo didn't even know existed until they blossomed like some sort of disgusting weed. Hux had scoffed at his tactical skills, all the time he spent meditating, and the way he commanded his knights. He'd disapproved of Ren's mask, his illogical inhibitions concerning his family, and his crippling attachment to a defective weapon. Now he disapproved of even his appearances. He'd felt a twang of sentimentality back in the projection room, thinking that he might never talk to Hux again. Now he couldn't leave the man behind fast enough. Their argument had reminded him of everything that had driven them apart in the first place. Hux's only love was strategy and the First Order. Kylo Ren felt that he could accept that. He could leave him behind. Now he just had to work this anger out of his system.

He put his helmet back on, and left his quarters. As he crossed the hall to the training room he wondered if he should retrieve Rey. They hadn't even begun weapon training yet. Her natural abilities with the Force were so strong that they'd agreed to concentrate primarily on honing those. He was naturally force sensitive too, of course. He'd been top of his class, but he was nothing like Rey. Still, light saber training took years. Even a cursory course on it would be months long. So that left blasters for Rey, and she certainly wasn't the best shot, or her staff and neither knew where it was. So he would be the vanguard during their escape if it came to a fight, and Rey would pull weapons away from enemies or push enemies themselves away from behind him.

He turned to leave his quarters for the training room. Extra training time would be advantageous, Kylo thought, but her emotions had been silent for some time now. Perhaps, she was asleep, and she needed to do that as well. He would give her an hour or two, work off some steam, and then fetch her. He didn't want her to see him like this anyways. She hadn't seen him angry like this for a long time, if ever. He did not want her to.

When he reached TR-17 it was empty, though he could hear blasters from the connected shooting range. Probably new cadets. Their laughter and curses were almost as loud as their weapons, providing him with an excellent distraction from meditation. He would have to push himself to find his center this time, which was just as well. Just like any other muscle on the body the mind had to be exercised.

He crossed the room, pausing for a moment. He should have meditated in back in his own room, on second thought, then he could have removed his helmet. He was less sure about doing so here. Hux's comment still rang in his head and that would be impossible to forget if he exposed himself to the world, which meant meditation with the helmet on. A task that was by no means impossible, but would certainly be more difficult. His helmet was heavy, and the sound of his breath did nothing but distract him. Still, hadn't he just decided to push himself? Kylo crossed the room and sat in the corner, legs folded and hands on his knees. He breathed deeply. In the other room one of the cadets was bragging loudly. He grimaced and shut it out.

He let his breath be like the waves of some dark sea. They rolled over and out of him steadily, over and out, over and out, and he let himself sink down, down, down...Even as he descended he could sense the visions coming. Then it was not to be meditation, just a surrendering to the whatever the force and its tides brought down upon him.

He was limping through the cold, his hand clutching the wound on his side. The smell of smoke from the now destroyed oscillator filled his lungs. "How could he does this to me? How could he do this-" He was screaming it over and over, but there was no one to hear him. They were gone or they were leaving. Soon the planet was going to collapse in on itself, and he would be left here. The wound burned through him until he felt like a wildfire lost in the snow. Great skies, it hurt...

Something was pulling at his senses then. Someone. He whirled around, and there she was. His vision had jumped forward to a moment well into their battle. Her breath steaming against his face, her eyes closed, beads of sweat pouring down her cheeks despite the cold. He was in awe of her, her vulnerability and strength. The wound oozed through his shirt, and the wet blood froze almost instantly in the cold air, he retracted most of the force he'd been applying against her light saber. His light saber. He would not strike her down. He could not. Bright eyes flicked open, and she moved her body down, forcing his saber low...

There was sand around him now. Red sand. He lay in some long forsaken arena. Miscellaneous droid gear was scattered around him. Data chips, blaster arms, sensors, and even heads were scattered all around him. He sat up, and a hot wind blew. The sands shifted, revealing more pieces of the droid army. Off in the distance there was a gleam of white, Kylo Ren's eyes narrowed, trying to make out whatever it could be, but the sun was too bright. He stood and began to walk. Something crunched under his boot, and he withdrew his foot. A shattered eye socket stared up at him. A human eye socket. Only its cheek and half of a crooked grin were visible above the sand, the rest was still buried beneath. A hum like wings sounded behind him.

Over the din a low voice shouted at him. "TRAITOR!" He looked up to see the black figure, hazy in the heat, before him.

He sat in a tree, a branch above a younger version of himself. His father called to him to climb down..

"No!" the child cried, swinging his legs in midair, "I don't wanna!" A breeze lifted his unruly, black hair, and he remembered feeling, briefly, as if that wind might lift him away too. In all honesty, he had been too afraid to climb down by himself, but he had made a show about how much fun he was having. Eventually, Chewbacca had had to climb up and carry him down for dinner.

Ren's eyes opened suddenly. Half expecting tears to be dripping down his cheeks. There were none, but his chest felt heavy with the weight of the memory. Rey could sense him. She was awake now, and she was concerned. He tried to think positively in order to convey that he was alright. Her incredulous relief washed over him. He sniffed a sort half laugh. That notion that someone would or even could be worried about him was a novel one. But that was the sort of person that Rey was. She was gruff and lacked diplomacy, but she cared. It was a weakness, certainly, but Kylo Ren still took pleasure in the fact that he numbered among one of her very few weaknesses. He was not alone in her good graces, he knew that. There was the droid and the former Storm Trooper, maybe some others that he wasn't aware of...but she hadn't had time to make many friends, and she certainly wasn't in a place to do so right now.

Perhaps, not so long ago, back on Jakku she would have felt at ease being alone. Somehow that had shifted, though. Her encounter with the droid, the deserter, or maybe even Han Solo had changed her. They'd shown her what it was like to not be alone, to be a part of something. Perhaps, she would show him. Perhaps...but the likelihood that he could go back to the resistance base with her was slim. It was more likely that they would have to part ways.

And then he would be alone again.


End file.
